Friday, October 5, 2012

...on The Day of Reckoning

I'm in such a weird cloudy/foggy emotional state right now.  I guess I just can't believe he's gone for a year.  A year?!  I can't really fathom how lonely and weird it's going to be until it really gets started.  Well, here goes Day 1.

On our last day together, we had lots of errands to run.  I am very thankful for those errands.  Before we got started with our day, I was feeling very sulky and crying a lot.  Once we had a list of things to get done, I was feeling much better with my mind off of his departure.  We visited mom and dad while we were in Jacksonville, too.  I know they liked seeing him; he liked it, too.  

The whole day is kind of a blur to me now. I can't really believe how quickly it went by.  Around 4pm we were home from running our errands, so we started packing.  We checked (then we double-checked and triple-checked) his packing lists.  Once he was packed, he was getting jittery and nervous.  I was trying to be the calm one so that he didn't feel like too much of a mess!  What kind of wife would I be if I was sitting around crying while my husband was feeling so chaotic?  We watched some "Scrubs" and I made dinner.  By 6:45 he shaved and got dressed.  Any time he left the room, he called for me to come sit with him while he was doing his last-minute chores.  It was very sweet, and I appreciated it very much.

We left the house by 7:30pm or so and headed to Lejeune.  We made sure to hold hands for the entire duration of the drive.  We got to the building where everyone was gathering, loaded up his stuff onto a giant 7-ton truck, and went inside with the other families.  We huddled next to a couple with whom we had a double-date a few days ago.  There were so many children running around!  I'm used to having unit functions where there are maybe 7 or 8 adults and a child or two.  I can't imagine having to be a parent while saying goodbye to my husband.  That's going to be a very interesting time.

I don't even know what time it was when the Command Team started their send-off speeches.  They had a few people talk to us about who to call if we needed anything and the Chaplain said a prayer.  That's the first time I teared up - I was hugging David around his waist with his arm around my shoulder.  I was thinking, "This is the last time I'm going to see my husband for a year."  We went outside and found a private place to sit and talk for a bit.  He wanted to be one of the very last people on the bus so that we could spend every second together that we could.  When the time came to really say "goodbye," I kissed him all over his face, walked him to the doors of the bus, and told him I was going to turn around and go straight to the car.  That's what I did.  I didn't even see him get on the bus, really.  I just turned and left, and I cried all the way to the car.  

I didn't cry at all last night.  I came home, put on some "30 Rock" and texted Eden until I fell asleep.  I think the kitties knew I was sad because Winslow came and sat right on my chest (which is not unusual at all) but then Winny sat right on top of my feet (extremely unusual).  We all cuddled on the couch and I eventually fell asleep.  It was terrifically comforting to wake up with a cat splayed out across my chest and one curled so neatly over my ankles.  I got up, turned off the television, and went to bed.

I slept well, but I had really stressful dreams.  It wasn't a bad dream per se, but it was one of those dreams that I felt very frustrated and woke up with a strange feeling.  It was like a weight was pressing down on my chest.  Anyway, I woke up with kitties cuddled all around me (thank heavens for those cats!!) and I felt better.  I even went back to sleep for a few hours.  I have spoken to Megan about staying the night at her house and we're going to the Seafood Festival in Morehead City tomorrow.

I really haven't cried today, either.  I saw a pair of David's shoes on the ground and I thought, "I don't know if I want to pick those up or leave them there for a year."  I'll probably leave them there.  It makes me more comfortable to think that he still lives in the house, even though he really doesn't.  I know that I'll feel much better when I can speak to him again.  I'm hoping to have an email within the next few days.

In the meantime, I have two people to meet about prospective jobs!!  I have to get in shape for a photography shoot.  I am going to volunteer with my FRO and with LINKS as often as possible.  I have a few friends to meet up with and I am going to Raleigh.  Little steps to get through this year.

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