Ever since I dropped David off, I have been dealing with the "loss" pretty well. I went out with friends last night and upon coming home, I started to miss him very badly. I still didn't cry, just had a slight ache of sadness. I've been lucky enough to get 2 phone calls from him, so I think that has helped me deal with him being gone.
After I got off the phone with David on Sunday, I got a phone call from my mother: My grandmother died in her sleep on Saturday night. I am actually very relieved that she isn't in pain any longer. The last time I spoke with her on the phone, I was trying to ask her about things to get her mind off her pain. I asked her about the fall weather and about the card that I wrote to her. She wouldn't pay attention to me at all - in fact, she just kept saying, "I hurt so bad." I broke down and cried into David's shoulder because I can't stand hearing my most amazing grandma cry out in pain. I heard pa cry out in pain, too. Man, that feeling just sucks. There is no other way to say it. It sucks.
I accepted grandma's death that day. She's been in so much pain from this shoulder injury that she wasn't eating or even getting out of the bed. She turned 90 years old last week, for crying out loud! It was her time to go. Here's a little quirk about grandma - she NEVER said "I love you" back. When I was a kid, I would say "I love you grandma!" and she would reply "Thank you!" (It is actually very humorous to me. She's a kook!) Well, the last day that I spoke to her, she said "I love you, too." Even grandma knew she was going to die and she wasn't afraid to return my love. David heard it, too, and he looked at me with a look of wild surprise mixed with awe. I'm glad I got to share that moment with my husband.
I feel myself getting more emotional about David being gone... It's a mixture of not being able to speak to him and the fact that he's been gone a few days now. I'm bound to cry and get emotional eventually, ya know? Well, add the fact that I've lost my grandma and my emotions are running on "high." For that reason, I'm not going to grandma's visitation. I have never liked the idea of standing around for a few hours and crying in front of people whom I don't know. I would rather remember my grandma on my own and have my emotions shared with my family on the day of the funeral - I will definitely be present for her funeral so I can pay my respects and say "goodbye" along with other members of my family.
Today I am baking pumpkin bread to send to my husband overseas. I'm also preparing my home-canning endeavors to send food to my husband. Everything that I have learned about cooking and baking is 100% accredited to my grandma. I was 10 or 11 when I asked her if I could help her bake, and of course she said "Well yeeeeeeessssssssss!" in her very unique vocal inflection. We baked a 1-2-3 Cake, which is a recipe in which every ingredient contains a 1, 2, or 3. The second thing we baked together was a set of pecan pies for our family Thanksgiving. I love that lady more than I can put into words and I will continue to think of her every time I bake anything :D
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