Thursday, August 9, 2012

...on The First Phase of Deployment

I'm having a roller-coaster of emotions right now, and although I'm quite literally surrounded by friends right now, I can't get these thoughts off of my mind.  I need to write it all out so that I can feel better.  I can't ignore them anymore.  I can't push them into the back of my mind.  My thoughts tend to swirl into oblivion until they are all I am thinking about, almost obsessing over them, until I come to terms and cope with the inevitable.

David and I have started the first phase of deployment: ATG.  I have to preface this next paragraph by saying that I have dated guys in the military before.  I have dealt with separation several times in the past 5 years; however, I have never been married before and I am quite honestly scared of this deployment.  I am scared that my husband will change or I will change, and we will be reunited in a year to find out that we are totally different people.  When you are just dating, you are able to either work out those differences or leave.  In marriage, you're not supposed to leave, but people often do.  I hope that a year apart from each other doesn't provide an opening for our relationship to change drastically and cause any unhappiness on either of our parts.  I know this thought has circled my mind a few different times.  I am trying to push the thought out of my mind altogether, but hard as I try, I can't always ignore it.

I am also very scared of the fact that I have to find a way to carve out an existence by myself for a year.  Okay, not literally by myself, because I have such great friends that I can lean on... but my husband is my best friend.  He completes me.  I can't imagine my life without him now that I have had the honor of having him with me.  I know a year is temporary, but it's still a long time in my opinion.  I know that, ultimately, I'll be okay and I'll probably come out a stronger person because of our time apart.  I know that lots of people do this kind of separation all the time.  I know that I have a nice, long list of all of the things that I want to accomplish over the next year.  I know that people say I'll get through it.  I'm not as strong as I thought I was, so it's definitely going to take a lot of courage and inner strength to get through this year.  I'm already starting to cry just thinking about it.

My heart breaks every time I think about being away from my husband.  I love him so much that I am willing to go through this deployment... and at the same time I'm very cognizant of my fears.

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